a word frm a homosapien
well, why do we need to know about our human origin? I support the Out-of-Africa theory, cause it's the one closest to the Bible's. perhaps, the only reason why people want to continue discussing about this is just cos it has been a long debated topic. well, i dont think much about it, because, say what you want, i'm just stubbornly, wholesalely believing in the Bible. btw, the Bible is quite a popular in-between-class (if not in-class) novel to read in my class recently. even with...non christians. hm...motivates and pricks me hard, well, of course to read it in another way. anyways, those paleoanthropologists had better appreciate me for kindly visiting their webpages, and spending hours, listening to their arguments, evidences etc, because I keep them in-job! it can be just scientific research, but im a firm believer in that every industry requires, most fundamentally, a human/social market. [so basically, commitment in boycotting is a sure success (ti guarantee Their failure), for anything]
ohkays. Han tuition's resuming after three weeks. im going to drag myself there after school ends at six. (looks up at clock) oh. one hr fifteen mins more. great. - why still so long-
im suppose to be finishing my worksheet now, but, it's so discouraging the fact we dont have our own dna sequences! so meaningless. my worksheet is E-M-P-T-Y. totally clean. it looks not bad that way. btw, i had a four hour break today, so i spent half an hr selecting a new pen at popular. to KILL time. then right after that, i finished a chinese comprehension in the library. -about not wasting time- bleeah.
then, i had lunch, and thawed myself proceeding to Jblock for ss class. anselm chu came to class. class was actually quite fun. i tell you, with every class, i fall deeper in love with my ss module. really. awesome. then, when anselm chu was covering how confucious believed in six relationships crucial to the prosperity of a country, he said ruler vs. subjects as an example, then asked for more. mr azahar was struggling with marking behind me and he was telling us, 'ruler vs. pencil'. -laughs-
i wonder if we'll get to watch 'name of the rose' in class. period drama. i hope so...we can extend class all i care. i'll never get enough of this option la. i have the uncensored and uncut version of that movie okay. my dad has the whole dvd collection. so in any case, due to unforseen circumstances, the ss module starts getting boring. like, if azahar dies, and all other interesting humanities personalities in rgs dies, such that no one takes over, and we start stoning, or we get a horrible teacher, we shall all watch that in class. if not, i'll watch it at home, perhaps under the father's parental guidance. - "dad, increase/decrease the volume/ i'm hungry, can u cook noodles for lunch/ can you pass me another dvd ?" oops. perhaps, the government does not intend for this sort of guidance.
i emailed ms lim about the yearbook verse, and i made a 'praise be' remark, cos i emailed her before the time deadline. when she replied, she addressed me as 'dear handmaiden of 407'. ahem. that's scary... ms lim, the aunt? ms lim's nice. we've got many nice teachers in sch la. okay. teacher's going to walk arnd soon. presentations have all ended. -be gone-
kmli blogged at 9/29/2005 08:57:00 AM
10 mins break before we look at dna results. dadeedum. and ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, humans and aliens, homosapiens or any remaining neanderthal, atop you see, the african daisy.
kmli blogged at 9/29/2005 08:11:00 AM
monday.
got a bag of biscuits in appreciation frm mrs shirley tan. for inconv. really, what a thoughtful gift [how edible :)] there are a lot of pinks and whites, so whenever i get green or yellow, i feel a little happier. =\ somehow...
received a 'call me' sms from aunty clara today. knew at once that something not so good has happened/is going to happen. *instinct* and i agreed to head the crafts section for vbs. wow. i signed up for p1 and 2 helper. if u had spoken to me abt volunteering for crafts earlier, i bet u my bag of biscuits i would either roll my eyes at you/ stare at you, disgusted, appalled.
was on the bus and reception was already not-so-gd. with that kind of news over the phone, reception is a 0.5% and disbelief, some 99.5%. but well, i'll be provided for. i'll just make the effort, believe and 'work'. it's going to be a physical and mental challenge. it's really quite some responsibility, and i'm not sure if i'll do well. but precisely because i reacted with disbelief, i agreed almost immediately.
because, i compete, with my inner self. my faithful opponent.
haiya. to add on, and spend my impactful ending line, i'm eating those biscuits, and i clearly recall how i used to eat them when i was young, but did really like them, because i found them too plain. only that sugar-swirl on top is sweet. but now, when i eat it, the sugar-swirl seems to be like, more of a sugar-heap. so sweet. =[ i told my mum and she agreed, saying, "yea, that's why, little kids are like 'ants'. nothing's ever too sweet, and almost every other thing's not-sweet-enough". =)
kmli blogged at 9/27/2005 10:56:00 AM
tz. on dating.
take it light. know it hard. (-Kun Man)
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."
- Jim Elliot
kmli blogged at 9/26/2005 11:12:00 AM
is it my weakness, or is it the 'power' of a guitar?
had a free block in school today, before recess and assembly. i've been feeling quite 'zoned out'. many things have been happening. no. many things are happening. and, sometimes, i just can't take all of them in at once. but maybe, it's because everything's going too well at the moment. there just isn't that -snap-...i have no idea what's wrong too. or what's right.
i wanted to finish all my math in that hour. but, i couldn't concentrate. i didn't feel like talking to classmates either. so, while crazy lulu was playing all her, ahem, very nice songs on her guitar...i just stoned. i don't know if i was enjoying the music or the...seeming silence, or if i heard anything at all.
they said i looked 'deep in thought'. i suppose so. but, i just don't know what to think of. i was searching for something to think about. but when i couldn't think of anything 'wrong' to think about, i realised it wasn't possible to identify some 'right' things to talk about. you know, i can go on and on abt this. but then again, it brings only temporal engagement. so. how.
oh. in sch, we had 'ipp' exercise. in-place-protection, cos 'there was a toxic gas release in the school vicinity'. so we taped the windows and doors and sealed them with garbage bags and set up a temp. toilet.
not entirely related but. sometimes, i wonder how much it takes to unite people. to allow us to look beyond ourselves. what does it take. what is missing. should i dream. and stand by my dreams, that i've held on for so long. cos time and again, i think i've failed. what's worse. time and again, i was conned by seeming, short-termed success that i feel i should not plainly settle for. because 407's capable of so much more. have i waited for too long and shld i just abort this, being such a lone warrior. maybe i shldn't believe. i shld just brush it aside, let the leaves fall. let them rot. and just continue living life.
ignore me if you please. maybe, it's just 'today'. another 'today'.
kmli blogged at 9/24/2005 11:09:00 AM
dna analysis Results!
i just went to check my dna gel electrophoresis results. my DNA were stuck in the well. ms lee says they're perhaps too big and heavy. hopefully, they'll work out with a better gel. more expensive gel, in our already budget constrained lab. im still waiting for 2.30 and yay. it's approaching! homehomehome. =]
oh. ms lee just said that if only our bands our clearer, we can send it off for sequencing. imagine obtaining your own unique dna sequence code. i'll be so cool you cannot fathom my coolness.
kmli blogged at 9/23/2005 04:55:00 AM
advance genomic biology
we're using a fantabulous site by the way.. www.dnai.org ..awesome animations, data and all that.
i'm glad to officially announce the completion of my worksheet. i think i'm the first in class. my..i hope i did it properly.
but it feels so 'shiok' to have a sense of purpose, to just devote urself to One task, till completion. really.
so let's see, one Kun Man, one ibook G4, one G-tech pen, 14 pages, 76 questions. k la, genomic bio is actually quite interesting, now that we get to do such extensive researches, you know? this is something that one can use in daily living/personal belief systems, not just in sec sch or jc, but in the years to come as well. actually, i think...this course's getting better..perhaps even better than the chems. pharm or consumer. i shall continue to wait and see. the atmosphere's also not bad. my options classes
atmosphere's are all quite good. praise God.
i'm uber hungry. i didn't have time to eat just now. hm, it's early dismissal for me today. cos this is my last class. ends at 2.30. what a relief! for the past 2/3 days, i've been ending class a 6.30! but it's not like i'm free tonight also. my family's getting citizenship. [although i still have to wait till 21, to be able to renounce either of my 2? 3? other citizenships]. so...yea, we have to go for that function thing later. it better not bore me. sigh, if only i were siti, i'll be so excited cos vivian balakrishnan is going to be receiving us. unfortunately, i'm not. so...well..i'm just relieved i've completed my ws. im waiting for 2.30 pm.
kmli blogged at 9/23/2005 04:10:00 AM
distinction!
I got distinction for grade 7 trial 2. 131 in fact. im quite surprised cos i didn't really prepare for it. i was practicing so much more for church stuff and etc before my exam really, so it's really quite amazing, init? my sis was in awe, my mum was in disbelief, and my dad went " yea! you know you're not stupid." and following that, he attempted to read the examiner's musically-mutated comments. he gave up after having to skip many illegible words. my sis also very pro alright. she got 127. it's her grade 6 first attempt. so, merit also very good la. i called my piano teacher after that. she's been a really good teacher la. she gives the right amount of stress, but she's really really helpful and approachable. i think she's a really bright lady. oh, but i think last last wk, her daddy passed away. so, it's quite sad. God bless her, her sis and mum as they cope with this loss.
[cos i told my sis] my sis said that if i had used stephsteph's suggestion, to flatter the examiner by asking for his autograph, i could have got even higher marks. yea..maybe even full marks! plus...a complimentary photo of himself, cos he might really think i like him so much, right? haha...ho ho ho.
and to think after my exam, i was feeling really horrible. and i told my mum i just hope to pass. my mum quite coldly said [cos i earlier upsetted her by reaching the exam venue late, having to rush out of the house like a mad woman - she says this reflects my horrible planning] that ' you reap what you sow. you know the amount of effort you put in.' so chilly. but, yea, my mum's right in her comment.
so that makes this distinction even more amazing. Thank you God. Thank you mr. examiner. [sorry i didn't remember ur name, cos i was hoping i cld forget u forever, cos i had this bad feeling u wld fail me].
p.s. three hours of bio is..quite demanding. and draining.but i can 'cope'.
kmli blogged at 9/22/2005 12:01:00 PM
hm...it's been a long time since i posted pics up, just to brighten/color up my entries. i'll add in pics now. well. my options are kind of confirmed and im settling in. quite well. we were in the wrong classroom for ss today. but, majority of us, and azahar were there. so, we had to change classrooms when representatives from the minority grp informed us we were at the wrong location. then, we moved to the faraway J block and then, after we settled down, mr azahar said..." okay girls, let's take 2 minutes to catch our breaths." haha. we strolled over. still need to waste time catch breath. but, he's always ending lesson earlier by at least 5-10 mins. my, luckily lesson ended earlier today, cos immediately after that, i had three hours bio till 6pm!
anyway, this morning, before P.E., I had two mosquito bites. er..i know it doesn't link but, yea, during math, i couldn't concentrate. i was genuinely dozing off. if i were mrs chew, i'll be terribly upset with this Li Kun Man. it's been the second lesson. and i am desperate for a good plan to get myself awake and alert during math. gdnews: i didn't fail math for eoi..passed by 2 marks. [screams.] i think i can't do math. i mean, sometimes, i don't try too hard for math, but it's basically cos i have had 1] bad experiences with math 2] i don't really hve immense interest for the subject. i'll keep trying. [i mean, what else can i say]
And Getting On To the soccer-ball picture, i need to blog about p.e. today. mr ong wasn't in sch. puisan took over. [if only i knew, i would feign sick] and again, it was soccer league thing.. background: cos i was gracefully clumsy while getting up the amphi steps, i sustained a blue-black bruise on my shin. and during p.e., the ball rammed it. it was uber painful. and then, my darling goalkeeper goal-kicked the ball Twice, onto the left side of my butt. same side somemore. but, it wasn't as painful as the blueblack part. i think i shall just stick to refreeing. please.
kmli blogged at 9/22/2005 10:41:00 AM
inconv
alright. inconversation. just sent out a thank you mail thru the yahoogroups account. it was a memorable experience. lots and lots of times we got into trouble with teachers, with friends, and so many times, we've got rejected, by the big shots, by the busy ministers. but, we didn't merely survive, cos i think through this whole hands-on experience, this forum organisation has allowed us to conquer ourselves, conquer interpersonal barriers besides the cool challenges we faced.
one very big lesson i learnt is that, no matter what others say, dn't settle for a shared opinion, unless u've gotten ur hands dirty and checked things out for yourself. sometimes, when u feel certain things towards certain people, don't seek consolation in partnership. take that risk, take that step to 'know' people, to make yourself get along with them and vice versa.
inconversation last night was good i guess. im really thankful that for the forums i chair, they are usually quite smooth-sailing. sometimes, i can't help but feel jittery and...'high' before the forum, because in this sort of things, you just realise how important 'partnership' is, between organisers and participants. a forum works, i think, 80% because of the people participating. really. the organisers can only set the ground, firm up logistics. that's what we can do. not easy, but..yea..it's just this sort of interdepence that blows my mind.
nxt year, bigger plans are coming, and yesss, i am envious..haha..kidding. i just feel more and more strongly for such hands-on, practical experiences, because, you know what, I think, this, is Real Education.
met ron dudley and was assigned to take care of him last night. he's, amazing. he's gone through so much, but he is still...so cliche, but, yea, he's him. was nice to meet with ms melissa again. and cherian george was well. didn't know they all knew one another!
you know what, im still extremely disgruntled, and annoyed. i better stop here, cos i'm still fuming. see, there's only so much you can plan for. sometimes, it's hard to anticipate such accidents. just remember i've enjoyed inconv, and it's been a humbling experience for me. fullstop. i need to forgive my mum. now.
kmli blogged at 9/18/2005 02:59:00 PM
in conclusion of one beginning
i attended the first lesson of lit willingly. but, i think i just cannot bring myself to talk about men and women as they do? it's interesting to study women's perspectives/their novels etc. totally. but, to categorise and stuff, all in the essense of literature, emotions, i'm a bit more meticulous. i know and i'm completely for women empowerment, but, you see, i'm not abt to round up my last term in rgs, doing something i've been doing for ages. oppression of women...and etc..if i do anymore of that, i'll be exhausted of any opinion/any remaining passion. i prefer taking solid action. no use lamenting. sometimes, we all know the problem. so don't tell me the problem. tell me what u have in mind, for action, from this instant.
but, don't stone me, i do see meaning in that lit course of course, maybe, another factor's that, i had already formed assumptions and blahblahs in my heart..and i can't appreciate the course as much as the rest of the class does. (or did) =P
now, let me declare my love for ss: advance leadership in citizenship. it's been real cool so far, with a 'cool' teacher -azahar.
me: mr azahar, i'll be leaving class early, in prep for inconv. at 5
him: oh. alright, we'll end class at 5 then.
him: is there anything u don't like in this six wk course? cos frankly, i've only prepared for the first week. and it all depends whether i finish reading all the bks/ biographies i have to read.
he always finishes like, have an hour early. best. actually, no matter how slack he is, or how strict he is, the reason for me liking the course is really, what it's about and yea..the content. feel so pro doing social contract and the prince. azahar says if he adds in john locke, then it would be a uni political science course. wah. i bet he's just trying to empower us or something.
and...there's a performance tonight, rehearsal at one. and the speech is still undone. how.
it's eleven plus, and i've gone to school and back. a miracle as i look at my empty bed. i feel heroinic. that's a saturday feat.
kmli blogged at 9/17/2005 02:15:00 AM
i see the Light.
i'm really so drowned in work i'm getting quite worked up. sometimes, in fact, many times, i look at my life. and besides asking the obvious 'where is the life' question, i wince at...basically this hectic life that i'm living. it's gross how many things get piled up unto your already cluttered plate, and how there are people who don't care less about making your life more miserable indirectly, for the good of their own. i feel worse sometimes, when i know that there are so many people behind me, just looking out for me.
but then again, ask me if i would drop some of these commitments, i'll not think twice to say 'no'. say i'm brainwashed or whatever, but i'm really happy being busy. really 'into' the work i do. it doesn't matter who sees it, who sees not, sees wrong. this certainty within myself supercedes all.
"Is He Satisfied, will He be Satisfied with me?"
Yea. really, as we live each day, sometimes we just realise more and more how 'ugly' we truly are. so hideous and yet, God 'passes' us, to be His children. It's just amazing. conditional love fills the world. you can't get enough of it sometimes, because it does not satisfy. there's not enough to go round. but, His love is just, really 'something'. it's so unconditional..and..just so direct. you can't duck.
i can never be more grateful that in God, i see the reason to live. it's really what keeps the 'optimism'/compulsive 'optimism' going. it's why i'm still alive, and kicking.
sometimes when i get pressurized, it's so easy to snap at people, be stingy with love or etc. but because He lives, because He's so alive and kicking...I can face tomorrow. and many more tomorrows.
kmli blogged at 9/15/2005 02:47:00 PM
resolutions, solutions, convolutions
an artistic thank-you card that cheered me up, totally, i tell you- from the philo teacher. inconversation forum's this Friday and, I'm just jittery and about the last minute preparations/details/touch-ups.
I've sorted my thoughts out and I feel that I shall restart my abstinence for tv/'that' korean drama - which i started watching during sep hols. that way, potential-staying back in school till 6.30 would not be such an emotional toll.
philosophy was tough today but that's exactly what i need at the moment, to confuse and submerge myself within more confusing and yea, confusing stuff, so i can forget about certain things.
well, i met interesting, colorful personalities today. made new friends.
another thing i've thought through and decided upon, i will settle for what is given /allocated to me, by tomorrow, afternoon. that's the deadline i set for myself, to get over this whole 'optional' episode. maybe i think too much and try too hard. i'll channel my energy into just...whatever. whatever does not kill me, shall make me stronger. and i am so not about to let options kill me. something so optional does not deserve my compulsive optimism/pessimism.
i've got lots to do. drafts for vote of thanks for farewell assembly..logbooks for dance and inconv forums...and etcetc...all the drips and draps of work. no major assignments so far. just trickles of small errands/ work - that are Super Easy to forget.
BTW: I saw Li Shan had a USA column in her time table. So i asked if she's going to USA, and how within the school term. It turned out to be upper sec assembly. =|
kmli blogged at 9/14/2005 01:10:00 PM
headache
i want chemistry and philo and therefore, i am staying back, waiting for lesson at Five. there's this long break and i am so..bored.
inconversation forum is coming up soon and i hope all goes well.
hi kun man. ur so naggy. lao tai poh.relax can.. theres nothing to worry so much la.i love u bye!
that was liesl, who's stuck in the library as well.
the laptop's scalding my lap
kmli blogged at 9/14/2005 06:57:00 AM
a new breadcrumbs n honey flavour. plus a bonus crabstick. ci2 yu3 shou3 ce4 is still a coaster. this time its open. now that's something...!
went for dance rehearsals today. i havn't been attending dance for a really long time, cos of school and all. i feel really guilty..ohwell. i'm not a superhero who can do everything and anything. sometimes, i have to pick and choose, and i have good reasons for the choices i make, as far as I am concerned. thus far.
when i cannot find a worthy cause for which im performing for, i can settle for performing for God or just for enjoyment, relaxation. why am i saying this? because not everyone can. i was amused to see people panicking when they saw me, the insecurity reflected was pathetic. perhaps, for some people, they live and dance towards that moment where they secure a good position? i'm sure they have their reasons as well. but i hope she looks beyond that. only then, that she is truly performing, i think, in my own limited experience.
dad was watching syonan-to documentary. saw how the old men were testifying to the pride and joy when S'pore was liberated. i casually said to my dad that, 'wouldn't it be cool if they had this documentary lead towards national day?'.
dad said 'of course not'. 'what if you offend the japs? S'pore has to keep their investors. there would be misunderstandings, S'pore's outrightly supporting the Japs in their UN security council application...'
YIKES.
I hate it when i don't SEE through sudden ideas..it's not impulsivity..its just that I don't see enough get it? i get so annoyed with myself when dad manages to just shoot me down like that...it's SO obvious. but why didn't I see?
i need some training and development in this area. I grade myself Unsatisfactory. I have to be critical with myself on this. the inner voice: ahem. maybe, i should work on HIGHER CHINESE TOO? i'm proud to announce i've finished part A of chinese?!? prelims are on Monday?!? with a miracle, I could get A2. but i want A1.
oh. after dance, me, my sis and my mum had a good session of talking and crapping. mum says i should be a lawyer cos i'm analytical. but she says i should work behind the court scene, and let my sis talk. [she was making fun of how my sis answers back to her and dad].
kmli blogged at 9/11/2005 12:23:00 PM
the chef, who's struggling with chinese.
[ahem..yes..the chinese ci2 yu3 shou3 ce4 is reduced to being my coaster...really..stay away!] look! i did lunch for me and my sis today. it was marvelous. i'm glad to announce that i've officially gotten over my fear of cooking nissin noodles and i'm looking for more challenging stuff. [hm...must i even excel in home econs? i guess i can't help it.]
another domestic achievement today was pancake making for afternoon tea. i succesfully gauged the ingredients cos there were no detailed instructions and i did all the pancakes! they were all really nice, except my sis said i appeared to be cooking in fog.
yes..maybe i need to work on the smoke bit...i think the pan was overdrying n overheating...i splashed water on it for fun, cos there was nothing else i could do, since i had already turned off the fire...then there were sizzling and cackling sounds.
how fun. i've yet to figure out the chemistry behind all these. but other than that...all went smoothly, and i gradually set a record time of 6 secs per pancake! [applause]..but i forgot to get a snapshot of the pancakes..so..another time.
One thing that i can't get over is..higher chinese..the mere thought of it makes me feel sick. gr..40% of chinese..good luck to me. im' not done with half the sec four words yet..how. i needa miracle.
kmli blogged at 9/10/2005 11:00:00 AM
sarah is so funny. i shall do an alphabet nonsense list one day. so inspired. for now, her garbage's got me fully woken up and i plan to go revise chinese. and i just remembered last night that, besides prelims being prelims, they are like 40% of our grade. cool. now, that gives me a bit more purpose and direction.
kmli blogged at 9/10/2005 02:24:00 AM
having a cold. not feeling so good abt chinese, in fact, i feel worse by the day. Plus+ it's annoying how my sneezes come in pairs. in pairs. as if i'm already not busy enough. double the curse..brr..
kmli blogged at 9/09/2005 11:01:00 AM
china and/or africa?
that being my first trip down, i must admit i made a lot of judgements on what i saw and heard. maybe i was a lil' bit too critical, but seriously 1] perhaps i did go with really high expectations, and 2] i really do share their enthusiasm and interest. Perhaps I shld just be more..open minded in that sense?
i had always wanted to make a trip down to africa. in fact. i thought i would patiently wait on the opportunity that would come maybe, when i'm 20 plus or near that. and its here now. but china's guizhou does need help too...and i'm already giving my inputs...givin ideas and all..
shall consult with the parents over dinner. [ 8.31pm]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
back from dinner and im finishing off this draft.
I've decided. Africa.
I can't deny it's something i've been wanting.
I'll help out for China, but...i won't grace guizhou with my presence coming March.
Africaa...here I come, finally. goodness..i'm only 16. one thing i believe in is that...you never have to fear that there are no 'opportunities'. they are always around. its the heart...and let's hope i get to raise enough money for africa 06.
kmli blogged at 9/08/2005 02:48:00 PM
if there's one thing i can say to her, i wish to tell her that she needs to see beyond herself. no one's perfect. oops. that makes two things. well, and I need to add that I love her very much just as well.
kmli blogged at 9/08/2005 02:56:00 AM
. . . .. . . . . . dispersed.
ms Han says im complicated. i know..think so too. but, Why? can't I be simplified, must I live life as a mixed number forever? [excuse me.]
check out the [eye]candies. that's the least i can leave you with tonight.
kmli blogged at 9/07/2005 01:52:00 PM
africa.
first.my sis made me breakfast. i mean..happy thing is that i don't have to make breakfast. second. i reached into the gummy bear jar and got the blue-green bear. im happy cos i Always. get the red or yellow ones.
watched tv. had breakfast. noticed national geog.'s sept issue has arrived,so brought it in and read it as my com was doing some crap scan. sometimes i hate computers. don't know if i've told anyone before, but, its a promise made to myself that in my entire life, i shall make at least a trip to africa. seriously, the trip to india made me realise that trips made for tourism is really quite meaningless sometimes. though i still enjoy shopping and so on...i want to get to africa and just get my hands a lil' dirty.
the pics in the special issue were really gd. i looked thru everyone, but this one struck me the most. something besides the usual skinny, big bellied kid with that pleading, accusing, hopeless stare.
even modest prosperity is rare in zambia
it just "proves in a concrete way the intangible quality of jealousy, which pervades all spheres of Zambian society, and is a trait -sometimes the only one- sincerely integrated by expatriates" - nat. geog. nothing's secure, nothing's guranteed. no one promises them survival. are they wrong to be jealous, are they wrong to vent their anger on any more prosperous then them. what's 'prosperity'.
kmli blogged at 9/06/2005 05:28:00 AM
it's been bugging me.
i flipped open a couple of literature books. there just isn't that..feeling anymore. is that the end of literature for me? i don't see wad's new. wad's old. i don't know why..but..basically, i remember what sandra said to me in the bus, vaguely, about her thoughts on lit and so on. then, i remembered my conversation with michelle. i told her my interest in lit seems to have crippled over this past year. we do bks on that same theme, genre..it gets quite wearisome after a while. when u mention indiv vs. society, social role...er...discrimination...i just feel like pushing all that away, and saying, I've had enough. i've never felt secure doing lit basically, in the marks and grade sense, because there are indeed, many restrictions. or say, many guidelines. they're good but, i don't know. maybe, i need a break. a less structured break from literature.
i used to have new things to say..but seems that i've had to learn prescribed outlooks towards such themes..perhaps i am the RIGID one, the epitome of how literature should not turn out...of a failed student..or..a student who's failed literature..? ho. i dn't know.
still. i flipped open The Handmaid's Tale and there's a quote I really like in the epigraph. it's a Sufi Proverb. its succint.
'In the desert there is no sign that says, Thou shalt not eat stones.'
many meanings. i like the one ms lim dictated. but i can't find my whole stack of notes. evidence of the exam whirlwind that's passed.
chew on it. im really going to bed this time.[but i can't fall asleep!] im in total work-mode. why now?
kmli blogged at 9/05/2005 02:55:00 PM
tracting for vbs episode 1
well. had a creamy. cake during sunday school. it's the second time im eating tht cake this second-half-of-the-year. mum bought it before. so..so.nothing. er, it was a noble cake-eating time, cos we sort of ate it for the birthday boy, who's down with dengue. [some things are meant to be, some cakes are meant for me. - though then again, i would be fine without that cake for a second time]
was saying i enjoy tracting, cos seriously, to be able to 'sell off' something on the spot, is not easy. u don't know who ur audience is till that second that person opens the door. i mean, we're not putting salvation and church and stuff on 'sale' but im just trying to say, its at least, to non-believers, a package, a promotion; another salesman. [or saleswoman]
u have to know what to say, like, if u see an old man looking super annoyed and closing the door even before u speak, some will say 'sorry'. but, really, i think it's this short episode of peer-manipulation. the old man could be really curious about what you're there for, he's just, trying to put on airs, like..the usual resident's attitude - 'what..another salesman asking for my favour...be done and over with it'. it's more effective just to lighten up and go, 'hey, i've got a free lantern for you...' ahem. Singaporeans, at the word 'free', they loosen up, u see the ten frown lines at the brows drop to 3, just showing how he is failing at his game of hiding his interest. then u go on, 'u free on midautumn festival?' we've got a really good and FREE performance just for you. there, he tightens up again, 'what...wad performance from another church, want to convert me isit'...then shoot him a line of 'you don't have to go, really. i really want to hand u this pamphlet. i hope u like the lantern', byebye UNCLE [though he's an old man]..lala..end of the game.
ok.that was a real generalisation. a light-hearted something. of course there are real scary moments like..when people are totally hostile towards you, they point to their altars and say, 'do u see the religion'. poor aunty clara had to say..oh...okok.. yea..well, it's just another door, just God's plan. so be it.
we went for two blocks, but so many families were out. so, there was a lot of tract-slotting. we heard dog vocals display too..they shld be really small dogs..but my...they are loud. on the way back, i had a 380N weight sit on me, cos we were squeezing into the car back to church. [to think the low petrol light was blinking when we set off, we were lucky to make it back to church..]
hm...had a thought during sunday school that i go for tracting for two main reasons, one is the main purpose,the primary reason to tell of God's love to the neighbourhood and stuff, to bring forth good news, [and have beautiful feet, ha, sry], but the other reason is really, doing such groundwork i believe, is the only way u can really open up ur eyes, move out of ur 'zone'. not neccessarily 'comfort zone' cos..well..everywhere is a comfort zone. He's been everywhere, and He's everywhere, and He's the one who sets the ground for us! yea. i look forward to rejections. that's where the challenge lies. I dunno, but one way to show ur love is really when people are hostile towards you, and you still have that gaze, that cheerful tone. that beats the wind outta them- not that we're out to do that!
where else do u get rejection so free. no. its not because my life's been so smooth-sailing that i have to yearn for tracting opportunities annually to get a taste of rejection. well, let's just put it this way. rejection comes in so many forms, and this kind of slam-door-rejection, is the most out-right kind of rejection, its within ur control. it does not do you eternal harm if you have that right attitude. its not that national exam whereby u purposely scribble wrong stuff to get 'rejected' to college or something. this type of rejection's different. that's where it's valuable. that's where it's rare. that's where it is...just...something i feel grateful for. we aren't always grateful for rejection, are we? it's a gd training ground. not that you'll become some superhuman where no rejection can shoot u down or discourage you of course...
hm...i am regaining momentum since Friday...im really afraid of boredom. then again, let's hope i engage myself in purposeful activities this september holidays. the june holidays left me really dissappointed with myself. so much so even my mum came up to me and said that she was dissappointed with how i spent my june holidays. it was obviously horrible. i really don't want that to happen again, ever. its in my hands. pastor timothy said..look at ur hands..say they are miracle hands..
i sense i'll be going through some 'lows' in life. i'm just slowly wading across this mess. but with God's help. everything's going to be so cool, i tell you, i bet you. but no doubt, it's going to be difficult.
thought: but if there are lows and life's a wavelength, that means, i'll be anticipating a new 'high' again, will i? [don't tell me that after the 'high' its another 'low'] don't tell me, cos when its a low, i'll just reask this question. its more...optimistic. goodnight.
kmli blogged at 9/05/2005 02:09:00 PM
philosophose n billy joel.
my sis just replied to my earlier comment by saying that she's not here to please, or something close to that. It was something of a slogan I thought I wanted to carried too, last time.
But, it is just, not possible. It's one thing to want to have your way, and another to be able to. That is why I feel its only ‘survivalist’ that you master the art of conversion. You know the kind of conversion for different units of measurements and formulas etc? Alright, maybe not a very apt analogy, but, still...!
When you have to work round things by ‘pleasing’ someone, try to do that something out of a broader level. [if possible, please yourself on the way, ha-ha] that is why, I always feel better when I can base my decisions on pleasing God, ultimately or in the long run.
True, many things are not black and white; they're even in shades of gray. But really, you dont just sit back because u cant diagnose it a certain color. I would choose to put on different shades, switch on different lightings, to see exactly, the whole range of colors it can present. You know how in math, sometimes you never get the final solution, but you can take comfort in just scrawling some workings onto the blank? Purposeful workings, of course, or marks would be allocated to ‘art’ is not it?
The Billy Joel DVD was playing just now, and wow, his lyrics are like poetry. It's amazing how he sings factual and historical snippets. however bloody the reminders are, I find it so much more purposeful than those pity-party, sigh-a-sigh, I-got-dumped songs. But, of course, you wouldn’t want to hear Billy Joel all your life, balance I'll say. As of this moment, Billy Joel’s on the other side of the balance.
Viktor was born in the spring of 44
And never saw his father anymore
A child of sacrifice, a child of war
Another son who never had a father after leningrad
Went off to school and learned to serve the state
Followed the rules and drank his vodka straight
The only way to live was drown the hate
A russian life was very sad
And such was life in leningrad
I was born in 49
A cold war kid in mccarthy time
Stop 'em at the 38th parallel
Blast those yellow reds to hell
And cold war kids were hard to kill
Under their desk in an air raid drill
Haven’t they heard we won the war
What do they keep on fighting for?
Viktor was sent to some red army town
Served out his time, became a circus clown
The greatest happiness he'd ever found
Was making russian children glad
And children lived in leningrad
But children lived in levittown
And hid in the shelters underground
Until the soviets turned their ships around
And tore the cuban missiles down
And in that bright october sun
We knew our childhood days were done
And I watched my friends go off to war
What do they keep on fighting for?
And so my child and I came to this place
To meet him eye to eye and face to face
He made my daughter laugh, then we embraced
We never knew what friends we had
Until we came to Leningrad
It is a tale, of pain. Sang out.
kmli blogged at 9/04/2005 08:56:00 AM
annoyed! why must this happen.
recently, the parents have been in my way.
Parents do not know the best. In fact, there are so many things that they would never ever know. Its one thing to know what you know and what you don't know. It's another thing totally, to be totally unaware and very assuming. I'm both annoyed and resigned. This imbalance is driving me crazy.
My mum's been acting on my behalf regarding dance. Parents are really, but legal representatives of their kid. No doubt, they have our best at heart; the best they perceive to be, that is. This mother's been trying very hard, working very smart. But somehow, mother, you see, there are just inner politics you don't comprehend. No one would. It's always good to have a choice. But when I'm landed with none, I choose to take it and personalize that choice, and make the best out of it. I hate ducking, sometimes, this time.
Now there are misunderstandings, and who can clear them up? Yes. She is the sole correspondent. I hate the circumstances I'm landed in. I hate the way it started. Now, I don't know what to expect, I don't know what’s happening. The very mention pains me, cos im totally, lost. Cos someone who loved me too much acted on my behalf.
I'm really mindful of how the others are judging me now. I don't usually care. But because im lost, within me, there's not much other stuff I can wonder about, can I? I have no idea what's going to happen. And I am scared. I don’t know why. Maybe cos someone’s been holding an umbrella over my head. Compared to where I am now, I'd rather I be drenched and soaked through to the skin, my own skin now.
I do not want someone else acting out my lines for me. Because it's not me. But then again, I didn't nip this whole plan in the bud, because I thought parents know. Because I loved them too much to disagree too much. Because I was distracted with other things along the way. because I didn’t rebel enough. So many becauses. Where’s the therefore.
kmli blogged at 9/04/2005 06:25:00 AM
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