mossadance

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space.� If the inputted data was correct Kun Man has left lots of white space on the right side of the paper. Kun Man fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion. If this is true, then Kun Man has� an unhealthy relationship to the past and has a fear of moving forward.�� The right side of the page represents the future and Kun Man seems unwilling to face the fear of getting started living now and planning for the future.� Kun Man seems to be clinging to past events and spending lots of time thinking about what happened.� It would be best to leave the past behind and move on.� Stop crowding that left margin.
Aiyoh. Am I really that bad?

Kun Man has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.
alright.

Kun Man is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.
one thing I know. i need God Very Much. I dont mind quiet.

Kun Man's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Kun Man that she wasn't a great and beautiful person, and she believed them. Kun Man also has a fear that she might fail if she takes large risks. Therefore she resists setting her goals too high, risking failure. She doesn't have the internal confidence that frees her to take risks and chance failure. Kun Man is capable of accomplishing much more than she is presently achieving. All this relates to her self-esteem. Kun Man's self-concept is artificially low. Kun Man will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because she is afraid that if she makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Kun Man to plan too far into the future. She kind of takes things on a day to day basis. She may tell you her dreams but she is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud she speaks, look at her actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Kun Man is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.
Goodness. Well, no one has ever told me I wasn't a great and beautiful person. they tell me otherwise, and i like balancing up viewpts myself. But, really, I'm fine with who I am. I like CHANGE! come on...ahh....my innate self-confidence is BROKEN [ glass shatters]...im doomed, eh?

In reference to Kun Man's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Kun Man slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project. She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Kun Man can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.
okayy. pretty general, eh?

Kun Man will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!
okay. im not that direct. depends on circumstance. but i'll always be sincere abt what i say. if i dont feel for something, i wont feel obliged to shortchange the world to speak a lot.

Kun Man has difficulty making decisions. Her mind changes constantly. She lives in an emotional tug of war. Kun Man could be described like a thermometer. Today warm and friendly, yet tomorrow she may be distant and cold, not wanting to be close to anyone. Some research indicates that people with a severe variety in the slant of their handwriting have an inability to tolerate sugar and are suffering the side-effects of too much sugar in their diet. If moods swings are a reoccurring issue, investigate the diet. If Kun Man encounters a situation she cannot handle she frequently pulls into herself. She feels her emotions are secure if she is withdrawn. When she has solved the problem she can be very outgoing and again need other people's companionship. Some see Kun Man as very moody, but it it would be more accurate to say she has two complete personalities that she chooses depending on the circumstance. This type of person is often hard to understand because no one knows what personality she is exhibiting today. She may not be bothered by something one minute, then the next minute become upset at the same thing. It is very difficult to pin down Kun Man's emotional expressiveness.
yo. im a thermometer. i think this is very general again.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially.� According to the data input, Kun Man doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
chay. i can write big and tiny also...

basically. this has not helped me understand/discover myself. nor does it impress me cos i think thru reflection and frank opinions from my friends n family, i have a firmer grasp on my own strengths and weakness, mixed with a lil bit of steadfastness to my own opinions. give me feedback on 'who i am'. i am Not a 'thermometer'. most absurd analogy. lifeless too.

kmli blogged at 12/31/2005 05:38:00 AM

[1] coffee roast is quite nice. that roasted smell quite strong. ah. what am i saying.

[2] tmr morning must wake up early for worship practice. i pray very hard i'll be able to play well. keyboard esp. and piano. yikes.

[3] just came back from dinner. i won lucky draw. crabtree and evelyn set. im so happy i didn't end up with some crap present. sister got a whole box of ferrero roche and three bars of bodyshop soap. mum got some strange tupperware set. [on the count of 3 - 'ha-ha']

[4] bought shorts today. me and my sis got shorts with yellow lines/lining wadever. then after that, we wore it to swim, which brings me to my next point. but not before telling u i bought nail polish for pedicure.

[5] me and my sis went swimming. its been so long since i swam. and my sister managed to get me to go along. amazing how i agreed as well. but as usual, when there are two of us, we didn't swim much. three laps maybe? then we went on the slides, and my, i was so traumatized. by? moss. im really afraid of mossy stuff. and water atop of moss makes moss water which makes me even more terrified. silly but. really. after that, we just sat at the steps of this quieter pool and waited for the sun to peer out from behind the clouds so we could get a swim costume tanline. yikes. i dowan to get any darker. it's so hard for me to blend in during dance performances really. and to think mum is encouraging me to take up tennis again 'with my sis', i think i can just get permanent residency in africa just by skin color soon. darn. so, me and my sis talked by the pool. slackers. talked about...dont tell you. a lot of stuff. then we showered and went home to get ready for dinner.

[6] dinner was okay. dance performance was...not bad. =] unity is impt la. if you yourself dont believe in your dance, how can you convince the audience, yea? im quite proud of how they managed to get everything up. the performance is informal anyways. so great job! the emcee was a major joker. but. i must say he was pretty engaging. ooh. still got icecream in the fridge waiting for me. my sis thinks im getting fat. but well. like we discussed by the pool today. girls, no matter what their build is, should have flesh. say no to dieting. be proud, come on.

kmli blogged at 12/30/2005 11:14:00 PM

had dance on the 28th. we started off doing nothing at first. just danced a few times. it was..good! when we danced with music, with everyone from all the different segments altogether, it was quite 'high'. with wenxin and juee, it was higher, you know, with their crap and laughter. haha. i hope we'll be in dance together next year. funn.

danced a bit more and when all were starving, we went for lunch break at j8. i had a bigmac and an apple pie. i needed energy. didn't care for the horrible too salty fries and that cold drink. ate at mos burger. wenxin's leg was scraped. luckily she had plaster. hm. i didn't know 'she' was her. esp when i overheard her trying to evangelise? not too glorious for the reputation she has? not too glorious to behave that way at other times if she's a Christian? i musn't be judgmental. but. well, she's caught my eye. i shall continue being prayerful and watchful.

suddenly, im very excited abt school. i think im just wanting to know where everyone is, ogs and sub coms. after that, im not sure if school will remain being likable. but. how do u know if u dont try right. note to myself: i think im accepting reality. good start.

we'll have sunday sch under a new teacher coming sunday. exciting. but. sad+strange+weird on the other hand. i do miss david and sookyin. they really took us thru 3+ years with patience and they really 'waited on us' to watch us take things at our own pace. they never rushed us. and they always made us feel comfortable for who we are. i think that is amazing. and that is Very cool. cool in the 'steady, composed manner' and cool in the 'coolio' sense. BUT! im playing piano for e2. means i might just miss ALL of sunday sch. unless i sneak out during sermon? (plsplspls! - i'll read a bk anyway.) then coming sat would be dinner at david+sookyin's place. hm. for nxt year, a new boy's coming. i think he's quite brave. being a prc, he could make informed and independent decisions pertaining to faith and take his own steps For God. i think that's yea. very brave and independent. hope the class will continue getting along well.

got up late as usual today. i made breakfast for my sister voluntarily! wow. then, we skipped lunch since we had breakfast so late, and we had piano in the afternoon. lessons are fun, cos u have to strive to catch-on(since i dont practice) and please the teacher. such on the spot challenges. (that mum says i force upon myself). but practicing isnt fun. nauseating. but i need practice. i must hurry pass grade eight and finish off everything. (i almost said sack off my teacher)...piano lessons are really another thing to worry about. atop my other activities, involvements, commitments (what's the diff) and SCHOOL. help.

i have a new 'tea-break-conconction'. it's some mini pancake/cookie thing. just smash up many ritz biscuits, soak them in a beaten egg and fry them on the pan. trick is to have more biscuits than egg. the egg acts only as an adhesive and binder (gosh.bio). i could have added cut fruit and milk and cheese too. i'll try that another time.

yay. so pleased. while i was cooking, i was thinking how people say they cook 'with love'. ew. i think i would strive to cook with an adventurous spirit. cos till now, im still cooking to destress and cooking to me is just really a series of flavourable chemistry experiments.

kmli blogged at 12/29/2005 08:42:00 PM

since he hasn't been formally introduced, now he shall be.

quiddathon musgo
meet my spider.
quiddity was dictionary.com's word of the day. it suggests eccentricity. ooh =]
so.. if you realise, the spider has to keep spinning his web, and run for the occassional fly that comes along - without saying grace-, 'athon' reminds me of 'marathon', which in this case, would bless my spider with stamina, so quiddity fused with marathon = quiddathon.
musgo means moss in spanish. and since he's color of dirty green. mosslike. there you go.
wait. um. ohwell, i suppose it's a 'he' then.

kmli blogged at 12/29/2005 08:11:00 PM

after such a long day of 'packing', i have come to a realisation, and i would like to formulate my opinion on 'packing'.

'packing' is an illusion.

il·lu·sion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-lzhn) n.
An erroneous perception of reality. An erroneous concept or belief. The condition of being deceived by a false perception or belief. Something, such as a fantastic plan or desire, that causes an erroneous belief or perception.

or self- 'deception'

de·cep·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-spshn)n.
The use of deceit. The fact or state of being deceived. A ruse; a trick.

nothing can come out of packing unless it is coupled and married with simultaneous and ruthless 'dumping'.

dump ( P ) Pronunciation Key (dmp)
v. dumped, dump·ing, dumps
v. tr.
To release or throw down in a large mass.
To empty (material) out of a container or vehicle: dumped the load of stones.
To empty out (a container or vehicle), as by overturning or tilting.
To get rid of; discard: a fine for dumping trash on public land; dumped the extra gear overboard. Informal. To discard or reject unceremoniously: dump an old friend.

in conclusioned-summary,
effective 'packing'(if u have to use the word) = selective and controlled dumping.

kmli blogged at 12/27/2005 06:59:00 PM

couldn't attend the christmas post-mortem at aunty clara's cos i had chingay practice at rj. i was dreading it at first, at the thought of having to use brain space to register move sequences and memorize steps, but it turned out to be not-that-bad, and quite good actually. i think i missed dance. it's been so long, since jianglaoshi's back to china and cca has ceased to be. saw xinying, my pri sch friend at practice, cos she was in the same chingay segment as me. wow. reunions. she appealed in from nanyang. such a small world, haha.

so we ended an hour early, and i went home. after a lil rest, the Li family went out to ikea, cos dad had 54 dollars of some coupon from refunds to spend. he bought a shelf for my bedroom. okay, on the way to ikea, i had a fabulous talk with daddyo. talked abt moderation in exposure, popularity and choices, reputations, economics, taiwan's junior baseball team of long ago, athletics, diving, erm, what else, can't remember now. i think my daddyo's very wise. ohyes, we talked abt uni, about faculties, about family, aboutt...his siblings - my uncles and aunties, about...favour with God and men. he has quite solid viewpoints. and we talked abt the cca debate in rgs forums too.

i think the peeps in my sis's batch quite poor thing. cos for the moe sch awards, rgs has to impose strict quotas on cca intake, so that uniform groups have enough people to meet enrollment minimal standard to qualify for those 'value added' or some cool award to add to sch credentials - since we dont have o-levels anymore. well, look at those who ends up in uniform groups cos they didn't get into more 'specialised' ccas. actually, not to offend anyone, but these people, will have a wider 'people' exposure in uniform groups. and they dont qualify into clubs and all that because SOME of them are simply not developed enough in those areas. and for those who are developed enough to get in, they do not just 'simply' get in. they have invested time and energy and money into that area of development in primary school and prior. so perhaps, it makes sense that pri sch kids who did nothing but study shld get into uniformed groups. to make up for that area of inadequacy, perhaps. in socialising, and specializing. nothing is fair. and in functional societies, we need manpower to play different functions. so, although we shouldn't be so 'award and recognition driven', such is the education system in Singapore, and if nothing can be done abt the school's vision, live with it and dont be too bitter.

ok. that was my dad's and my conclusion. not without flaws la.

so at ikea, we broke into two groups. haha. me and my sis shopped then my parents shopped then we met for food. then we came home. bought quite a lot of stuffs. THEN.

the nightmare begun. my dad said we had to pack. there was so much garbage. goodness. and my sister was quite unkind. so i was feeling so pissed.

-------------------------------

today. everything's packed and cleaned. im so glad. thank God for my mummy - who sorted out all the weird stuffs magically. thank God for my daddy who has a cool eye for design who gives gd advice. thank God again for daddy who ran errands and brought lunch back from all over - cos we had such different orders. thank God for my sister who is SO MUCH nicer today. and who is helping me repair my com.

a 'piggy' bank given when i was a year old - ?!?, my wonderful dried roses and flowers, photos, a rodeoradio...andd some hadley house sourvenir thing. the pig has on a chingay and a hadley mask. masqueradeee.it looks prettier now.

finally. there are no high piles of books/study material to falsely imply my studiousity. and finally, all my note/though/doodle-pads are not strewn all over...and finally...the stuffs on my table are lowlying again. not for long though.

kmli blogged at 12/27/2005 03:24:00 PM

Some pictures i took during the afternoon, 25th December o5.

i went to church in the morning, ref: previous post. was baptised. then, had lunch at church. the food was horrible. only the cake was nice. i had 4 pieces. cakey lunch. afterthat, we went home to recharge, cos there was this gathering at night.

went out in the evening. party was at aunty enfill's place. her name is quite cool eh? reached there quite late, but managed to join in the games. elsa reminds me of my aunt. there were eleven families there, and then we had dinner. the food was better than the church lunch's. =]

after that, we went up to hubert's place for movie. they had planned to watch exorcism of emily rose. woah. i was so happy. cos/although i watched it on the coach during my leadership trip to Malaysia, the friendly neighbour's, i didn't mind watching it again, and there was a bonus. since i could pre anticipate the scary parts, i can add in 'my special effects' and scare other people. hurhur. heeeheeeheee. but thenn....there were kiddos around and then cheukwing looked at the disk cover and it was rated R, with nudity, something and violence. SIGH.

but actually, thank God we didn't watch that. after hubert turned off the lights, the place was actually quite scary. with the wind blowing gently through the balcony- cos he couldn't get the air con on. and the wind carrrrressssing your necks and toes. okay. so we watched series of unfortunate events. made me recall how i used to LOVE reading abt all the misfortunes when i was young. i would just hunt for that book collection. seriously. it was boring reading all about cheerful books. that's what adults deem fit for the children...

so...after the movie, we got presents and left.

this was in the afternoon. and at night, i had more presents still. yay.
then we came home and waited for boxing day. my sis was counting down all the way. but in the end, i didn't open my presents. too lazy. i was uber sleepy after such an exciting day.

ohyes. baptism. it was so exciting. getting dunked. i was happy cos i managed to fit into my baptism black 'gown' nicely and i got a BLUE towel. i was hoping secretly for a blue towel..cos i didn't like the other colors and so happened, i was handed the only blue towel. okay. trivial.

pastor asked me three questions. do you believe Jesus died for your sins. do you believe He can save you from sin forever and do you take Jesus as your Lord and personal Savior. yessed all the way. pretty funny. i was practicing how to give a convinving 'yes' with ian at the pews. yes. yes! yes.. or YES. which is more convincing? there is a difference okayy.

for the two seconds i was down in the water, it felt like forever. i thought pastor didn't have strength to lift me up and i would have to get up myself. silly me. snorted in some water and felt terrible. but yay. oh and changing was such a rush, but i managed to get myself done quickly. cos had to rush back for testimony.

yess. my sis was like 'yours wasn't even a testimony'. of course. i shld have been more 'direct'. mine was just a sharing. my testimony is printed in the bulletin ready. so let's not waste time and money. go read yourself. and sometimes right, i think testimonies need not be touching and so...emotional. of course you will feel stuff and have emotions personally, but sometimes, at such events, not everyone 'feels' for your lil story that much. and really, the journey to Christ need not be all sorrowful, fall down, scrape your knee then God picks you up. of course He can heal and comfort, but the journey can be happening, cheerful and SIMPLE as well, folks. well. but cos my testimony was a lil 'unique' in style and all, i did feel a lil shy/weird.

Christmas cards!

some more

there are more inside my folder. havnt open finish. the cards couldn't stand very well. sometimes, when gusts of wind blew by.

kmli blogged at 12/27/2005 03:21:00 PM

Merry Christmas, world.

ok...my testimony translated to chinese in the bulletin

the english one. obviously the sister is trying to take artistic shots.

perhaps my sister is quite bored. but well. thanks for wasting camera battery.

erm! Excuse me. i mean, excuse my sister. this is NOT the way to play with toys, children. especially not on Christmas Day. parents. take note.

dadd-o: yes. point taken. okay that's my dad looking handsome. im going to call him dadd-o. u know like peanut butter JELL-O.

spot me.

dunked.

also shared my testimony. it was exciting. with that bit of. 'oh no, i think im going to die, cos pastor tim isn't lifting me outta the water!' and a lil snort of water. was...memorable. tell u more nxt time. i've got a christmas party to get to.

kmli blogged at 12/26/2005 08:47:00 AM

yup. they were giving this out along orchard road. just got this down from my studywall. i've got too many. premiere was on 17 november. so, have a look before it goes into the paper shredder.

kmli blogged at 12/24/2005 09:30:00 AM

yay! forget the staple. bring forth the meat. the chicken and prawn.

kmli blogged at 12/24/2005 08:46:00 AM

breakfast's my favourite meal of the day. next would be dinner. then would be all the in betweens. so hypothetically, even if i wake up at noon (which i did this morning, eh, afternoon), i still would hope to have breakfast.

made breakfast this morning myself. was quite efficient. got over the unglam bit of having to clean up the pan cos im not good trying to do a sunnysideup. i dont really like fully cooked eggs. dont really care abt the birdflu thing either. for now.

havn't started on my christmas gifts/cards yet. ohdear.

kmli blogged at 12/24/2005 05:26:00 AM

Disclaimer: Following images contain provocative content and may cause discomfort.

ready?
sure?

my sis streaked the already pink worms with more blood

with that affectionate bit of personal touch

it was hard work- for the feast ahead. worm feed.

a closer look.

you can't help but wince a lil (and laugh a lil) as u scoop up the wriggly worms. it got a lil messy.

but all was peaceful.

the bloody apparatus

the technology

all except a screaming mum who emptied the bloodwater as soon as we appeared done with the deed. she wanted to make green balls herself.

served up the dessert table!

with a bit of ginger for flavouring. the worms were still squirmy.

we bit of the ends but they still wriggled. and yes. they kept bleeding.

but they were so full of blood and spirit. real sports. with adrenaline included.

kmli blogged at 12/23/2005 04:52:00 PM

An issue was raised against me at 11.40pm regarding the way I deal with and treat people and that was linked forward to question my readiness for baptism.

Fallacy one: hasty generalization – the noun 'people'.
Fallacy two: slippery slope – a false link made directly between two issues.

I've definitely been working on the way I associate with people. As far as I am concerned, I do admit that many a times, my actions and words might not match up. But that phenomenon, cannot be a direct case of 'hypocrisy'. Say for example, I've said something not so good, and I do something better. Is that to be viewed negatively? Bottom line: come on, actions and words Do not match. They are different denominations of expression.

Baptism: it is really just a public announcement of me having Jesus Christ as a personal lord and savior. This is not a sign of 'perfection attained'. What I say in my testimony is really what I mean. Have you looked at my testimony? Well, let me assume you've ever seen it. Then again, is 'experiencing God' a claim that I am 'good'? In conclusion: I see no grounds for the statement you made: "What you say in your testimony is not even true." A testimony is a personal account. I doubt lie detectors or fortune tellers for that matter can find a case against my. MY testimony, typewritten by my own ten fingers which I still feel very much. It was a tall accusation for an accusation that runs deep.

I do regret to inform you firstly, that I am judgmental. And yes! You got it. I am sinful. But I cannot let you know that without informing you at this moment just as well, that everyone human is judgmental. Of course, at times, I've made hurtful judgments, critical statements to attack others, you know, just like you have. But what I share with you is really some observations and opinions which I try very hard to keep to myself, so as not to hurt you. Then again, because I don’t boast of the times I sided for you with the parents. Those times when you suddenly realize the parents were extra nice to you, you probably thought you deserve it, and that, 'oh, they finally know the way to treat me'. I told myself never to spoil it for you, to just smile and know inside that I’ve made you feel happy, and perhaps humbled up the parents who thought they know best always.

The following is overused and STALE in caps.
- I've never thought of myself being better than you.
- I've never said 'I'm always right' and 'others are/ you’re always wrong'.

Yes, you are entitled to your own opinions. But alas, I can't take such personal attacks. You've challenged this part of me for three times. It's reason enough for me to just be honest about it. I know you were honest about it too. As far as I am concerned, I'm going to try harder to be 'perfect'.., as pathetic as it sounds. I'll stumble still. I wonder what you got out of our little argument. Any resolutions/decisions made?

I just can't keep my emotions in because I do feel pressured. And since you made your point at the end of the day, when for today in particular, since morning, I've really been swallowing it in, cos I wanted to show you I can react differently to harshness with Christ. Try recalling what happened the whole day? Maybe you don't remember. Tell me if u need a recount, really. Well, that's why 'it' snapped. Goodnight.

kmli blogged at 12/23/2005 04:24:00 PM

lost in the mail. sorry folks.

kmli blogged at 12/23/2005 01:00:00 PM

"you once believed you could fuel people's desires"

"you once were free to merge fiction with reality"

"you once were surprised by the strength of your own voice"

kmli blogged at 12/23/2005 12:55:00 PM

problem with my banana-split. no, it's not an issue whether it's hyphenated or not.

(1)the banana coexists with the ice cream

so from (1): u would want to eat the banana with the ice cream, yea? or else why do u introduce the banana into the dessert bowl of life? so. if u use a larger banana, there would be quite a bit of banana to eat. and so.

- i try to keep the ice cream in ice cream form, so i eat quite quickly. i assume people like eating ice cream in a more icy state. or else, u would not put ur ice cream in the freezer. it would turn out to be room temp cream.

as a result: i feel extremely full very quickly. cos bananas are quite filling, you know? i want to eat slower and stop. but it's just so annoying how the icecream melts 'quite' quickly. and now what's happening before me?

=the icecream is quite melted. there are still icer bits. but. i think i wasted time sitting back, using both my hands to analyse the situation.

another thing: i can't exactly eat with my left hand - to like cut the banana up with the spoon. cos i need my right hand for the mouse.

lesson learnt: stop being stupid and just eat it. dont be lazy, slice up the banana next time. eat straight from the tub next time. doesn't melt That quickly.

tick tock...slish slosh...

kmli blogged at 12/23/2005 09:12:00 AM

' if tz camp was camp, sky camp was more of hostel life' - Kun Man on 20th december, 2.54 am.

so, two church youth camps have passed by. and um. well, yea, sky camp was different. but, why am i saying it's different? it's the same if i say tz camp was different. it's just different compared and relative to something. you see, that's how that 2.54am quote of the moment was born. when you have a focus, and you have objects/items of relativity, you get to form an opinion. you get to be able to articulate and 'feel' something 'aloud'. but what happens when u cannot identify and pinpoint focal points? you don't know what you know or do not know.

im feeling VERY zoned out now. it isn't fatigue or...joy or anything. but, you know how when events appear to have flashed past on hindsight, it can either be that you are able to capture significant shots and comment on particular snippets, or perhaps, you can give a summarized account, a murky, general footage at least. OR, you just don't exactly know what you know or don't know. when you want to.

the evangelistic events we had were yea, groundbreaking, challenging, though an old duty call. it was an experience. handson and all. now we've got practice. we might just get the chance to get better at these. so?

i'm very thankful for the two camps. i learnt a lot, yes. but, i guess im just not that bent on being too vocal abt anything yet. not cause i want to delay thanking God for his wonderful providence and everything - i really want to praise him for all of my days- , but. perhaps it's fear? you know when let's say you've just attended a class farewell event or, a religious camp for that matter, some people feel compelled to spell out 'impactful' stuff on their nicknames, say on msn? don't get me wrong, such open and free expressions shld be encouraged. i mean, who needs a display nick that's distant and not personalised at all, yea?

but i guess, part of it just comes from the silly fear and knowledge that you know such things are so superficial. if only you could show what you learn in a more solid way? - not that those who personalise their display nicks are superficial. no way. they have their own styles. and wait. i need to number my points. i)'show what you learn' - must show anot? ii)isn't it painfully annoying how i am down to bloggingg - to comment on superficiality? at least if u view it in a more stereotypedd way.

and another thing that is puzzling me like CRAZY is myself.
i do acknowledge that i as a person, somehow, i'm much harder to grasp as a person, and i like it that way. though many a times, it isn't to my advantage.
but i do believe that a personal understandind and rough analysis of myself by myself is possible and is advisable. i don't have to love or hate myself, but at least, i shld be able to rattle off a few traits, however complicated.
but i'm stumbling over myself.
and it makes me look into the mirror and raise a brow at that reflection.
i feel like just giving a harder more intense stare to force that real 'data info sheet' inside me to print itself out.

perhaps under new conditions in skycamp, i'm getting round to know myself better as well. and as i question. i wonder who i should be. God is the ultimate creator of course. but should i be an observer? a commentator? a critic (reasonable critic. no point being overcritical on oneself)? a corrector? a peacemaker? an analyst?

surely, if i can see, i want to see what comes after 'seeing'.

well now, you (i) look. i know im a person who can live with quiet. im not one who has to talk or hear people talk. i can survive not talking at all. im pretty much self-sufficient in that sense. also. it's because i'm able to find joy/enjoyment in close to anything. without bending much rules. - one thing which works against me when it comes to decision making, because i'm not discriminatory enough for general issues pertaining to interest etc. of course, it's not like i'm opinionless and indecisive. making a decision is easy. it's hard making a decision for YOURSELF.

more: i'm a person who's easily bored. i can find joy in stuff, but because of that ability, i can neutralise joy to become normality. just like how without that attitude and spirit, i'll just get very bored. and by bored, i don't mean this negative feeling, of slight annoyance and etc. by bored, i've got this weird sense of tranquility seeing everything to be OKAY. to be systematic. basic.

and this is kind of seen in my life? when i was a kid, really, living was putting on performances. to please, to annoy. whatever the outcome, i was the performer given the stage, i would take it, and finish my scene. it wasn't so much the outcome. whatever outcome that comes along. it's just another reason for the next scene, a step closer to curtain call. sense that awful normality.

but performing gives you that adrenaline rush and thrill. just like how last minute work and unpreparedness is enjoyable to me. just like how i like putting things together, and taking things apart (for classification and analysis). pace is not a problem. i can give that jab of rush to add contours to the slowest activities. but. quality and direction is something that is more fundamental.

so where am i.

plus i like working with people. because people are fun to manipulate - for Good intentions! it's the best maze to get yourself around, to get yourself tangled in. but with hints of stubborness dripping off some parts of me, i get very bent on a certain method/attitude towards certain people. reason why i still dont offend sometimes and still appear to please lies in i) my love to wind round those people highways to get myself semi lost and found, and ii) my love for performance.

i think i sound horribly evil. and scheming. but i'm really just thinking and being frank. i think what i've said and reflected upon is true somewhat. but then again, are they true because they are really general and they describe almost everyone, i dont know. maybe. perhaps. but i like to think. i like to be STUCK with NO CHOICE BUT to think. brain gym..not that that makes me particularly intellectual also. so is that productive? intellect does not have to be a produce.

but then again, if what i've said is true as of this moment, and is General, then why do i feel and see so strongly that i'm just plain special. HAHA okay. i'm just plain weird. everyone's special and weird. so how can that be? if everyone's special, then, please don't tell me stuff like similarly different and differently similar. because. they are all true. and goodness. since they are all true. what have i got to question for truth. and what are my questions then? can truth question truth? [sneers. have i jumbled up your organ juices yet]

ok. and i really dislike patronising people. being patronising is not 'nicety'. it's painfully annoying. you can be critically loving as well. how can you be so old and not realise. OH. i know! you are special.

have i completed the circle? i'm back to truth again. no? almost? GREAT. let the circle have a little gap. so near yet so far. now. isn't that more attractive than a complete circle? it's more Special. aha. i've hit truth again.

well. alright. perhaps i shouldn't bother abt myself so much. I will stay focused and just Trust God to work through me and complete me.

anyway. Fear Factor on the last night was fun. i loved the horror walk cos it wasn't that scary. heard frm the uni people there are lots more scary walks and yea, obviously they have scarier ones overseas. i'm not that fearless. though one day i'll sink my teeth into a pig's snout too. i'll like, brush it clean first. home treatment.

singing to hawkers gave me the most trauma i must say. for skycamp. cos, really, besides the good experiences and good food, i felt so, retarded. it wasn't embarassment. i LIKE this kind of embarrassment. pouncing on people at greatworld, creeping up to doorbells during tracting with that BONUS of getting rejected. seriously and sincerely. it's super fun to me. (i mean i do take it seriously also la) but then, i just felt we could have behaved more spontaneously. i thought we were behaving dimly. and that we could have annoyed people..and and...i dont wish to go on. i'm glad we pressed on anyway, just as im glad i bought that butter cookie. (..ok..) generally, it's still a success. but as much as evangelism has been taught and experienced to be something everyone can do, and successful under many definitions, i've still got my reservations. reservations on my own performance. which i feel are neccessary since i'm acting for the Lord. i still need training.

and in the meantime, i shall settle for a NO CONCLUSION on myself.
i hope the entry was majorly confusing and traumatising for you. we're special.
[insert your own: chill down spine]
LIGHTS OUT.

kmli blogged at 12/21/2005 07:13:00 PM

mr ashook...i'm still not believing that legent you told us abt sir francis. it's too far fetched.

since i'm blogging. this was before the op. before the chubbier cheeks. i want food! i have to eat in such small amounts after the op i get hungry uber easily. how frustrating.

and the most likely to be first female president got me a book of inspirational quotes? and shades - to duck from paparazzi. OKAY...
well. see how i could grin and smile. for now, i better be good, shut up and wait for sky camp and stitch removal on tuesday. im feeling so tied up. i miss the freedom. slightly.

kmli blogged at 12/16/2005 08:13:00 PM

the bus rides were so long. i was a pro sleeper.

though toilet stopovers weren't always pleasant. ew.

yea. it's either sleep, eat, work or think on the coach. i got a taste of all. single dish or combo. bumpy multitasking.

i really liked the assignment. so i really got down to doing it.

belinda was one cool bus partner. the first thing which struck me was at our first lunch stopover. She's so decisive and quick when it comes to munching food up! must learn from her.
then there were the roomies, zilin and xiuhuan. they were all very...caring and nice people. zilin chaired final meeting. xiuhuan was..just crazy. haha.

ohdear. do i seem studious? i put effort into things that do not matter. most of the time. different interests.

to think i tried to stay awake with Coffee! i really enjoyed myself. yes. im an alien. but i felt quite pro...give me a chance to.

who else but the fun lovin friends.

it was a marvellous finale to my rgs chapter. leadership camp to malaysia was enriching and cool. got to get into many places normal tourists dont get to enter. high comissions and all. we had cool teachers as well.

kmli blogged at 12/16/2005 07:57:00 PM

i loved the forest hike. and the guide. And THE LEEECHES.

[1] if u see a wild boar- run in circles or curves. run round a tree.
WHY: They can only run straight.

[2] If u see a tiger- scream to ward off the tiger and then turn and run.
WHY: cos u must be fierce and frighten it off. though it will eventually turn back wondering why it has lost.

the photos above all quite postcard-worthy. i think...heh. no?

every step i take i take in you, you are my way Jesus.
Thank you God for your fabulous creation. from each rotting leaf to each wriggly blood sucking leech.

hotel/roommates/gangmates update next. let me try to make this transit smooth and graceful. im quite desperate to finish the update.

kmli blogged at 12/16/2005 07:46:00 PM