mossadance

heart and mind.

mind and heart.

the heart my mind.

the mind my heart.

sometimes i can't tell the difference. but when i feel the difference, im just swept off my feet.

was working on the com as usual and suddenly, it came. finally. im a person who just needs to cry. it's scary and it's almost a need. but...i dont bawl. i cry pretty decently. no noise, i wont even sniff loudly, just one thing i need. tissue paper. that's all. no big fuss.

but given that i'm so busy, crying is a big fuss! i sound weird but really. i hate it when i have a cardiac overload. i can hold and carry many things in my mind, but, really. my heart has a low weight capacity. if you like, it's like the heart that is always on the run. that's always on show, that's always - anything but Kun Man's heart. ok. not that bad, but, to a certain extent, it's true at times, i would just speak frankly. to myself.

so the heart sees, the heart feels, the heart thinks (hah, yes..mine does), the heart speaks, the heart tweeks, the heart hides, the heart runs (yes, it can hide and run well). but the heart receives a justified arrest eventually.

was using the com, and upon cardiac arrest, the tear ducts were on full force. i dont know why, but tears just rolled out. it's almost like an asthma attack (one that i imagine- cos i havn't got asthma). i took deep, silent breaths, just to check myself. am i really crying. for what.

i knew i was doomed. i had lost the battle to the tears. but i didn't know what exactly i was feeling. i had to excuse myself from work, from chats. i just felt and knew and formed my hypothetical theory that it's not cause im stressed from the busyness- but really, the heart of the matter is that the heart-matters have reached a crescendo. a peak that has thrashed that threshold. when the heart cannot run, the legs run.

i went out for dinner. told my mum i needed to start dinner first. i wanted to just forget about the tears. get away from that 'spot'. i even took more rice- just so i could have more time outside the work studio to calm down. but it was one of the worse dinners that happened. i couldn't help thinking about whatever that i might be thinking. i started to check myself, my feelings (yes, sometimes they divorce or estrangle themselves to become two seperate entities). and the tears rolled again. WHY? [you probably think im..abnormal now]

[just so you think im even more abnormal] i've been tearing/crying since the beginning of this entry. the thinking and words is a temporial relieve. a blood-stopper.

ok. second piece of tissue. im a gd rationer.

[1] ever since the end of sch term, end of netball carn, i've been busy. with many things. but then again, when was i 'free'. well, just to clarify. im always busy, but my definition and standards of busyness is probably quite different so, that doesn't mean i've no time for anyone. i always have. let me know, i'll make it. it's just the percentage of heart and mind engagement that would be under compromise, depending of factors like people and circumstance. so, since the many false farewells, i think i've mentioned in my previous entries that i've just become majorly ineloquent, and empty. which is not right. because i must feel something. just that i dont know what. so now, perhaps with f.a.m, things are coming to a close. really, i'll really miss so many so many people. i mean, i want to hold on to many memories [you're probably thinking, what a stupid girl, typical girls' school, FULL of emotions, so touchy and..eek]

well, i've decided. as much as i want to be protective and think i 'know'. people change and i know all of you, 4seveners in particular, you will change. Change! i've always stood for change. i wont be afraid, i wont hold back. all i ask for is for you to be aware and certain. know where you are, change however you want. but be accountable, know Why. i'm really glad things are drawing to a close. with a more final farewell. change. everyday, i know you as a new individual. in that sense, everyday's a new chance from God. dont chain up yourself. try me. change, and i want to challenge myself to accept you who changes legitimately.

[2] just cause i havn't had much time for myself. a lot of the things i reflect on are really just touch and go issues. Like the other day when i called grandma. i know i wanted to speak with her, but, everything's just impromptu. (it shld be! i dont write phone scripts) i dont have time to prepare myself. and, yes. MAYBE i think too much. NEXT.

[3] work attachment. was at dr kong hwailong's clinic. oncology. cancer, chemo, blood tests, whatever. well, this might just be the opposite of item [2]. i think i was very well prepared. too well prepared. when i saw the amazing people, they just...kind of overwhelmed me. i saw that sort of strength charity shows dont show. it's just amazing and im crying a lil more now. I need to thank God for this moment of privacy right now. i wont be able to explain myself. well, i saw the injustice, the societal holes, the scaring, the scabs, the tears, the trembling. i saw families united like milk and water. i saw ones that are like oil + water. but they know they are 'family'.

i saw op scars, i saw removed body parts. i saw graciousness and patience, i saw humility, but i saw airs. i saw determination and i'm not reciting a vocab list. [you must be thinking wah, this girl go one attachment cry one night ah]. it's not cos of this, but it just 'contributes' you know?

i saw reality, i saw hopes and the most stupid dreams, even before death. i saw death, i saw broken lives. i saw whole lives and broken skin and bones. it's give and take. i look really brave, i just know how confident i looked while observing. but when i come home and think about the day, maybe it's the setting. that missing boob doesn't look so laboratory, it doesn't look so clinical and medical anymore. i see that single boob together with the whole person, the whole family portrait..AND trust me, it is disgusting and gross. and to think they are just 'living it' 24/7.and gratefully counting down to that gruesome experience. i know i can do something. i know i did something. but i always know, i havn't done much. why? cause i'm even more disabled than them.

of course, in between really silent sobs - haha, no joke. im quite pro] oh fourth piece of tissue ready..abandoned the count - all the above mentioned havn't killed me. they've made me stronger. cliche? well, face it. dont scorn at cliches. earthly living is CLICHE. the reason why i recover in time not to become fossilised and corpsified personally to become a living cliche/ dead cliche is because i can draw strength from God. he's the most amazing.

again and again, i go forward to serve, and they teach me so much. i go forward expecting to learn, and they show me so much. this sort of things teach the best lessons, ethics. and now, as my crying subsides, i'm going to take a short nap (yes! at this hour) or do more work (yes! at this hour).

---

on a happier note, f.a.m. was quite...fun. and overated. shame to the shameless who talked and walked abt during the dinner. it really looked horrendous. it was a shame. we need to work that out, yea? some couldn't give respect to performers - i was actually quite happy abt my item ready- for other items, your abducted sense of occassion (assuming it was ever there) is the biggest tumour growth. the most agressive social tumour.

---

and yes, i wanted to mention this right from the beginning already. i dont take lightly to flamers. i wont spend time pointing out mistakes, trying to rehabilitate you. you are you, you land yourself there, you will realise you are in a deep dark hole. when at this stage, you have that distinguished priviledge of picking your own carcass up and walk on. i dont hate you, maybe i love you too much. but dearest ___. some things can be grey. on yours and others' part.

to all: allow some things to be grey. dont be destructive and add shade to it so you can proudly declare it 'black'/ furiously cat-claw stuff away so you sneer and announce it 'white'.

---

now that i've finished up the tear bank for this cycle, i'm going to get back to work. i feel much better. to the patients i've seen these two days. i'm praying for you. that is the best prescription you are given F.O.C. i dont know why i sometimes force myself to remember your names. they wont mean anything. but perhaps, you've just struck me so hard i know im going to remember you, including the as of today late Mr ___. i've winced, i've cried. now is the time to march on, brave with dreams. just like you. i know i've got Love.

----

"The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river

that drowns the tender reed.

Some say love, it is a razor

that leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love, it is a hunger,

an endless aching need.

I say love, it is a flower,and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,

who cannot seem to give,

and the soul afraid of dyin'

that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been to long,

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong,

just remember in the winter

far beneath the bitter snowslies

the seed that with the sun's love

in the spring becomes the rose.

-----

what's wrong with crying, with falling, with temporal broken-ness.

because i want my heart to learn to dance.

what's wrong with waking up to face dirty reality, to wake from dream,

because i like to gamble and take chances when i can afford to.

what's wrong with being taken, with your heart arrested to emotions and tears,

because i want to learn to give, so much more than the previous time.

it's not fear to death, but death to fear.

how to face each farewell as the celebration of a 'life' fulfilled.

it took you to just show me how to live in approaching death.

kmli blogged at 11/19/2005 02:09:00 PM

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