mossadance

' if tz camp was camp, sky camp was more of hostel life' - Kun Man on 20th december, 2.54 am.

so, two church youth camps have passed by. and um. well, yea, sky camp was different. but, why am i saying it's different? it's the same if i say tz camp was different. it's just different compared and relative to something. you see, that's how that 2.54am quote of the moment was born. when you have a focus, and you have objects/items of relativity, you get to form an opinion. you get to be able to articulate and 'feel' something 'aloud'. but what happens when u cannot identify and pinpoint focal points? you don't know what you know or do not know.

im feeling VERY zoned out now. it isn't fatigue or...joy or anything. but, you know how when events appear to have flashed past on hindsight, it can either be that you are able to capture significant shots and comment on particular snippets, or perhaps, you can give a summarized account, a murky, general footage at least. OR, you just don't exactly know what you know or don't know. when you want to.

the evangelistic events we had were yea, groundbreaking, challenging, though an old duty call. it was an experience. handson and all. now we've got practice. we might just get the chance to get better at these. so?

i'm very thankful for the two camps. i learnt a lot, yes. but, i guess im just not that bent on being too vocal abt anything yet. not cause i want to delay thanking God for his wonderful providence and everything - i really want to praise him for all of my days- , but. perhaps it's fear? you know when let's say you've just attended a class farewell event or, a religious camp for that matter, some people feel compelled to spell out 'impactful' stuff on their nicknames, say on msn? don't get me wrong, such open and free expressions shld be encouraged. i mean, who needs a display nick that's distant and not personalised at all, yea?

but i guess, part of it just comes from the silly fear and knowledge that you know such things are so superficial. if only you could show what you learn in a more solid way? - not that those who personalise their display nicks are superficial. no way. they have their own styles. and wait. i need to number my points. i)'show what you learn' - must show anot? ii)isn't it painfully annoying how i am down to bloggingg - to comment on superficiality? at least if u view it in a more stereotypedd way.

and another thing that is puzzling me like CRAZY is myself.
i do acknowledge that i as a person, somehow, i'm much harder to grasp as a person, and i like it that way. though many a times, it isn't to my advantage.
but i do believe that a personal understandind and rough analysis of myself by myself is possible and is advisable. i don't have to love or hate myself, but at least, i shld be able to rattle off a few traits, however complicated.
but i'm stumbling over myself.
and it makes me look into the mirror and raise a brow at that reflection.
i feel like just giving a harder more intense stare to force that real 'data info sheet' inside me to print itself out.

perhaps under new conditions in skycamp, i'm getting round to know myself better as well. and as i question. i wonder who i should be. God is the ultimate creator of course. but should i be an observer? a commentator? a critic (reasonable critic. no point being overcritical on oneself)? a corrector? a peacemaker? an analyst?

surely, if i can see, i want to see what comes after 'seeing'.

well now, you (i) look. i know im a person who can live with quiet. im not one who has to talk or hear people talk. i can survive not talking at all. im pretty much self-sufficient in that sense. also. it's because i'm able to find joy/enjoyment in close to anything. without bending much rules. - one thing which works against me when it comes to decision making, because i'm not discriminatory enough for general issues pertaining to interest etc. of course, it's not like i'm opinionless and indecisive. making a decision is easy. it's hard making a decision for YOURSELF.

more: i'm a person who's easily bored. i can find joy in stuff, but because of that ability, i can neutralise joy to become normality. just like how without that attitude and spirit, i'll just get very bored. and by bored, i don't mean this negative feeling, of slight annoyance and etc. by bored, i've got this weird sense of tranquility seeing everything to be OKAY. to be systematic. basic.

and this is kind of seen in my life? when i was a kid, really, living was putting on performances. to please, to annoy. whatever the outcome, i was the performer given the stage, i would take it, and finish my scene. it wasn't so much the outcome. whatever outcome that comes along. it's just another reason for the next scene, a step closer to curtain call. sense that awful normality.

but performing gives you that adrenaline rush and thrill. just like how last minute work and unpreparedness is enjoyable to me. just like how i like putting things together, and taking things apart (for classification and analysis). pace is not a problem. i can give that jab of rush to add contours to the slowest activities. but. quality and direction is something that is more fundamental.

so where am i.

plus i like working with people. because people are fun to manipulate - for Good intentions! it's the best maze to get yourself around, to get yourself tangled in. but with hints of stubborness dripping off some parts of me, i get very bent on a certain method/attitude towards certain people. reason why i still dont offend sometimes and still appear to please lies in i) my love to wind round those people highways to get myself semi lost and found, and ii) my love for performance.

i think i sound horribly evil. and scheming. but i'm really just thinking and being frank. i think what i've said and reflected upon is true somewhat. but then again, are they true because they are really general and they describe almost everyone, i dont know. maybe. perhaps. but i like to think. i like to be STUCK with NO CHOICE BUT to think. brain gym..not that that makes me particularly intellectual also. so is that productive? intellect does not have to be a produce.

but then again, if what i've said is true as of this moment, and is General, then why do i feel and see so strongly that i'm just plain special. HAHA okay. i'm just plain weird. everyone's special and weird. so how can that be? if everyone's special, then, please don't tell me stuff like similarly different and differently similar. because. they are all true. and goodness. since they are all true. what have i got to question for truth. and what are my questions then? can truth question truth? [sneers. have i jumbled up your organ juices yet]

ok. and i really dislike patronising people. being patronising is not 'nicety'. it's painfully annoying. you can be critically loving as well. how can you be so old and not realise. OH. i know! you are special.

have i completed the circle? i'm back to truth again. no? almost? GREAT. let the circle have a little gap. so near yet so far. now. isn't that more attractive than a complete circle? it's more Special. aha. i've hit truth again.

well. alright. perhaps i shouldn't bother abt myself so much. I will stay focused and just Trust God to work through me and complete me.

anyway. Fear Factor on the last night was fun. i loved the horror walk cos it wasn't that scary. heard frm the uni people there are lots more scary walks and yea, obviously they have scarier ones overseas. i'm not that fearless. though one day i'll sink my teeth into a pig's snout too. i'll like, brush it clean first. home treatment.

singing to hawkers gave me the most trauma i must say. for skycamp. cos, really, besides the good experiences and good food, i felt so, retarded. it wasn't embarassment. i LIKE this kind of embarrassment. pouncing on people at greatworld, creeping up to doorbells during tracting with that BONUS of getting rejected. seriously and sincerely. it's super fun to me. (i mean i do take it seriously also la) but then, i just felt we could have behaved more spontaneously. i thought we were behaving dimly. and that we could have annoyed people..and and...i dont wish to go on. i'm glad we pressed on anyway, just as im glad i bought that butter cookie. (..ok..) generally, it's still a success. but as much as evangelism has been taught and experienced to be something everyone can do, and successful under many definitions, i've still got my reservations. reservations on my own performance. which i feel are neccessary since i'm acting for the Lord. i still need training.

and in the meantime, i shall settle for a NO CONCLUSION on myself.
i hope the entry was majorly confusing and traumatising for you. we're special.
[insert your own: chill down spine]
LIGHTS OUT.

kmli blogged at 12/21/2005 07:13:00 PM

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