mossadance

i think my wallet's gone forever. so is the ezlink card with my beautiful picture - cos i put in my own photo when i replaced it last year. and also the wonderful phone that is my accomplice in getting up from bed and ignoring calls and smses because 'we' do not like to be too accessible. selectively so. we were cool. the money is okay. but the pouch was mum-given, just at christmas. it was just a casual gift thing, but still. it's been less than a month, so i havn't gotten sick of it yet = im still quite fond of it. how untimely.

this is so gross and im sad partly because i miss all those things-of-late. but it's gross because i get flashbacks of what i was doing before i lost my wallet, how i was going around looking for it (with wanchee. thanks.), of how i felt after, how i cried and felt like crap. how i felt horribly helpless and detached from my secular belongings.

then i factor out factors and i have stupid thoughts like, if only and if only i did this instead of that, that might have changed the way stuff turned out. i look at the clock during lecture and i want to turn back time, but im too far off the mark. i stone and mentally retrace my steps and i feel like stopping the world from turning and turning it back in reverse so i can undo that fault. i wish this i wish that. if life had rehearsals SOMETIMES. when it comes to forgetfulness.

it's that feeling right after a performance u havn't done well in. u wish u had polished up that bit of steps. cos u know that glitch messed up the whole thing. i like my dance laoshi. because she says it straight that she wants perfection, and will not settle for anything less. perfection is what everyone wants, assuming rational behavior in rational circumstances (application from economics lecture, see, see, ms lio and mr teo =]) so just say it if u want perfection. maybe, in dance, perfection/seeming perfection is possible cos u can practice. im just trying to say some people secretly wish for perfection when lip-synching 'oh, it's okay. just do your best'. you have to define 'best' u get it? laoshi says it straight and that gives me discipline. target spelt out loud. like when u shoot, i dont care air rifle or handpistol, u aim openly, as part of procedures. u dont winkwinkblinkblink and pretend it was a natural shot and you dont sweat a bit to try to ooze out effort to score points.

some people when sharing about their life/experiences will say things like 'im sure i did something not so well, but now, even on hindsight, i wouldn't want to change what i did'. makes sense la. esp when u know u've drawn lessons out of an incident. but seriously, aren't there things that you know you shouldn't have done? wrong things that could have had led to better tomorrows for yourself and those around you? if you don't want to change anything, then perhaps, i just think you havn't really done your reflections well enough?

like mrs davis said. writing is fluid. u can always reread and want to change things after seeing the discrepancies. writing comes from thought. memories and thoughts should be more fluid. you cannot change history practically, just as i cannot revive the wallet-of-late. but you know, there are so many things i wish i can undo and redo. or not do.

i guess given the position i am in, im so resigned and i feel so helpless that i feel like being reckless to take another gamble and see where i'll be left at, cos there seems to be nothing worse of. which is untrue, but still. i need to bounce back, and out of this dent.

kmli blogged at 1/19/2006 10:43:00 PM

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