mossadance

julia reminded me about the poem mr tan showed us at council meeting.

Leisure by William Henry Davies

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Sometimes we get all hyped up about action and work, about 'doing something'. We dont even know what, but, 'doing something' seems better than doing nothing. But it's a luxury to be able to stand and stare, to just observe and think, on your feet. Try, at the end of your busy day, to capture/recall just one 'screenshot' of your day on fast forward mode. what do you remember? was it that moment of bitter anger amounting to hate, that moment of relief at a test postponed, a wrong word spoken. or do you remember nothing at all.

don't dance too fast, cause the music wouldn't last...

True, 'regret' is an awful feeling no one reaches out palms wide for. i used to think that must be the most awful feeling i want to swerve around. (my sis will know. at theme parks, i try my best to just step on every ride cos i dont want to 'regret'. that's a small trivial thing. of course there are more incidents that hold deeper significance. i'll tell you more *) but don't be afraid of regret. cos with each measure of regret you've got, it's a new chance to put things in perspective, to convert your share of regret into something productive. everything happens for a reason, or so i Choose to believe. Watching hotel rwanda in Segments disturbing. maybe having it in small doses is better, i don't know, and i dont care, cos that's not the point. There are two ways i'm watching the movie in. mode one: very emotionally-'participative'. makes me cry very easily. mode two: 'marking' the movie, catching on the details and expressions, taking it as a report/essay assignment and thinking hard about all the issues, in a more 'analytical mode'. not 'close' to tears at all. i dont know which is better.

it's better to let lose but i dont want to watch it, shed them (the tears), feel nauseous, and then, 'think' nothing of it after two days. And such things are happening everyday in the world, albeit on a smaller scale. And i'm here, on assignment, to be 'their voice'. Each of us is assigned that task, with the deadline being each day of our lives. I'll never forget zhenghong saying 'everyday is once in a lifetime'. perhaps he was making one of those random comments but, he scored with this one la.

throughout the week, i was home late everyday, staying back for council stuffs. as much as i feel the time spent doing council stuff is justifiable, i think we councillors shld not neglect the 'ministry' right at our doorstep. our friends should not feel robbed of us. we musnt forget the seemingly 'minute' details. we're serving the school, yes, but the school has to serve itself. at the end of the day, (you may call it a viscious cycle) the school serves her own history, her present glory/shame and her future to come. it's everyone holding up each pillar. and given the sophisticated architecture of our bishan campus, we need everyhand, so let's UNITE.

so on my way home each night, i'll be thinking, and here are some things i thought about, not many cause i cant renember them now.

[1] 'Getting along'. Sometimes, there's that dude in that corner you just dont understand, that girl you just cannot stand. Other times you look around you and you just dont get why on earth that creature down there doesn't get you. many a times, we just reason it out with our own flawed logics and commonsenses (i wonder how common is common given we're unique. if all humans actually shared a 'common' sense, many things shld not be happening.) At the end of the day, let's just take a step back and get over the greatest hurdle. Look into the mirror. Can you stand yourself? Do you understand 'you'? Get Along With Yourself first. =)

[2] i remembered my maternal grandpa one night. I know he's passed away, but i never felt him 'dead'...after the night i knew he was gone, i dont think i cried more than 10 times. that's cause i still feel he's just 'gone down to the shops' if he isnt at his home in HK. Sometimes i just forget and say 'four' when people ask how many of my grandparents are still around. When making festive cards to mail overseas, I still put his name down on my checklist. I remember his voice...his backview, his footsteps, his pace, his face, his expressions. See, recalling sucks, cos it makes me cry. But really, people just slip away like that.

Right now, below my keyboard 'tray' are two drawers next to each other. in one of them is a voice recorder. i wont even bother looking. but before my grandpa got admitted into hospital to remove his tumour, a trip that removed him from the face of this earth, i had a conversation with him over the phone. i knew i was being morbid, and i tried so hard to look as if i want to attempt something 'silly/cool' in front of my sister so i dont scare her, when i took a voice recorder, put it to the receiver and taped down a bit of the conversation. i was hopeful, but i was scared that i would lose my grandpa. Sure enough, the voice recording turned out pretty good. Sure enough, that was the last voice conversation i had with him. But i dare not listen to the tape. Im scared that when i put on the tapes, i can't locate that last recording. i dont think im in denial cos im fine with him gone in a sense, since nothing can be done about such things. so, recording down the convo was a sensible thing i did? but what good does that serve now?

at least, i did 'something'?

kmli blogged at 5/13/2006 08:53:00 PM

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