mossadance

mothers' day today. called my two grandmas.
paternal grannie: she's how strong and sharp a woman. quick in thinking and it's cool to listen to her stories. she's always convincing. she can assure you of how well she's doing. her social circle and her yum cha buddies <3
maternal grannie: im closer to her, prolly cos she took care of me since i was young. before i left her for singapore. i always want to call her up. always. it doesnt matter we dont talk about global affairs, or about anything 'spectacular'. but at the same time, im always afraid to call her. because i get reminded of how pathetic circumstances are.

we talk about what she does everyday, which park she walks in, the route she takes, whether the new trees her estate has is tall enough to give shade. about other grannies in her social circle who congregate at the central pond area. about the restaurant she goes to yum cha at everyday, how on certain days there are so many old folks she can't seem to find a seat. about how she would stroll home again, eat and watch tv, then turn in for bed, waking up the nxt morning at six for the same old new activites. i told her it isnt just her...people who work nonstop go through perhaps - more boring routines than her?

we both agree it's already a blessing to be able to walk and sit as you wish at her age. to me, sometimes it's standing on the edge, not knowing whether you are living full-out for the rest of your life, or waiting for fresh death from your many living years. things can get so dreary if you have no purpose. [therefore, Look to God!:)]

i told her about my holiday plans. about how im not paying a single thing for ccal camp. she says 'of course! it justifies the fact you are giving your strength and energy. the money shld be given to you.' her simple logics. <3 i tell her im going for church retreat at dickenson. she exclaims im going to so many places, and she says she wonders what i'll grow up to be...

and whether she'll be around to see be become what i shall be.

grandma says it doesnt matter whether she'll be around to see me then. she says she knows things will work out well for me. all these things, life and death, poured into the measuring cylinder of time, are obvious whether they are spoken or not. but everytime i speak to her, i really want to kick myself. im afraid of taking the reading on the scale. im afraid to see no markings on the cylinder, or blurred markings, or to commit deadly parallex errors.

what matters most to me? even now, im so darn sure i'll be in for regret. deep regret for not spending time whenever possible with her. but, somehow, sometimes, we can't be choosers. sometimes your choice is not in the options. I try my best to give my best at every instance possible. but somethings just dont measure up. i just cannot give her all she would deserve. i'll keep trying. but, for how long. there's no forever.

i think it would be fantastic if i could just thrash out the least talked about issues with her, openly talk to her about all those gray areas that we both know exist. but somehow, because of circumstances, i just try my very best to make frequent small talk with her, just to make sure she knows that i love her so much. i think she gets it. uh huh, and then?

everytime i hear her speak, it's torture blinking and dabbing away the tears, keeping my voice normal, injecting that laugh, mind ticking away to get on to another topic. im so darn weak inside la. lousy crap. God, i feel so helpless. im trapped behind the very bars i hammered into the ground. it's not even a case of 'i want to do so much'. i just want to do a little more each time, and everytime, i feel like kicking myself.

and it's always across those telephone lines. those thin lines sparrows perch on. so many thin lines, im very afraid i lose trace of our right of the line we share.

it's like a payphone. u keep feeding coins. but your session times out. you know how it feels when you feed in a coin, and that coin just comes out through the other end, and the screen continues to blink "Insert Coin". Sometimes, you see your session timing out, and you try to dig so hard for that coin you thought you saw in your purse but you can't find it anymore. Othertimes, when you insert a coin, you get through to an answering machine, or worse still, no one picks up on the other end, or it's cos that number's 'no longer in use'. and it's as though that coin sucking machine sadistically swallows even your last coin up. You can only cling on to your coin purse. count your coins. what's your financial strategy to have enough coins, and not to forget to use 'em well?

kmli blogged at 5/14/2006 08:26:00 PM

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